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How do you cope? - Pregnant After Loss

Old August 8th, 2014, 03:15 PM   #1

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How do you cope?

I feel my grief for my son is starting to take over. I am really worried about preterm labor again and missing another baby. The only difference this time I only have one baby instead of twins.

I know my doctor said it is less likely to go into preterm labor, but my twins were born at 23 weeks, that is supper early even for twins.

I just need some coping strategies that I can do at home. I already attend a support group monthly and decided I don't need therapy at the moment. Thanks in advanced.


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Old August 8th, 2014, 03:19 PM   #2
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Have you considered a grief counselor?


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Old August 8th, 2014, 04:04 PM   #3
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I think you know from our private chat that I too have really been struggling this pregnancy with the grief of losing one of my twins so I wanted to give you big hugs and to let you know that I'm here to talk to anytime ! As for how to cope .. I realize that my situation was different than yours in that my difficulties stemmed only from them being identical twins and yours from preterm labor. I don't honestly know too much about preterm labor, like what causes it, etc., but I think you mentioned that you are still seeing a peri this pregnancy and I think that's great and that they will follow you closely (I really don't know what I'm talking about her but was the preterm labor brought about by say, incompetent cervix, or is it just something that happens ?). Hopefully they will put you on bedrest and do whatever they can early if they even suspect something like that happening again now that they are aware of it.

I've had some extremely ugly cries late at night when Dexter and/or DH slept .. sometimes in our computer room, sometimes in our walk-in closet, sometimes in our bathroom .. I seriously sit on the floor, curl up, bury my head in my arms and cry uncontrollably. Something about this pregnancy has triggered all my thoughts and memories and feelings of Max.

When it comes to the fears and grief and everything .. when I am feeling very, very low, I usually look at my survivor and realize that things could have been much worse. Oh man, just typing this makes me tear. I really don't know where I would be if I didn't have him. Every day I look at him I marvel at all the obstacles he overcame and he always puts a smile on my face. All the love and hopes I had for his brother he inherited, and just thinking about him brings me so much happiness. I thought initially that every time I looked at him it would just be an incredibly painful reminder of twin we lost, but actually, he reminds me of how lucky I am to have him. Yes, I have a lot of fears and regrets and depression and sadness over Max and I probably always will. But when it comes to this pregnancy, I just try to tell myself that I can only do the best I can, and trust that it will turn out okay. It's not in my hands, and that freaks me out (especially since I'm a total control freak), but I have faith that it will turn out alright. If not, I trust in the support of my family and friends, and Dexter, whose hugs and kisses can make anything okay.


Last edited by emme; August 8th, 2014 at 04:07 PM..
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Old August 9th, 2014, 11:36 AM   #4
Just one more chance?

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I feel like I have PTSD this time around. Anything will set me off. If someone makes a negative comment about pregnancy, or an ignorant remark, I flip out. I can't even help it, I just snap, and it's like when I come out of it I feel like that wasn't me.

I'm so scared. I'm so scared every day. I wake up in sweats, thinking it's a pool of blood. I plan way to far ahead to distract myself. I've turned to a natural anti-anxiety med that helps a lot, but is extremely controversial.

The only thing that seems to help, is to remind myself over and over, that today, me and babe are one, and all we can do is enjoy this moment. I wish I had more advice, but sometimes it just helps knowing you're not alone.


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Old August 21st, 2014, 12:07 PM   #5

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I don't know your whole story, I've not been on for a while, but just wanted to suggest that keeping busy is the only thing that works for me... it may be like avoiding the issue, but at least for me, when I've been preoccupied all day and then realize a while later that I haven't thought about all this scary stuff for a few hours, I feel better... other than that... I don't know if anything helps. i wish you lots of luck, sticky vibes, and a H&H 9 months.


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Old August 21st, 2014, 12:11 PM   #6

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Thanks ladies for some suggestions. I know I have had to keep busy and think about this day, not next week or even that I am getting closure to 23 weeks.


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Old August 22nd, 2014, 10:41 PM   #7
Charlotte York
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I just want to give you a huge hug. Each person copes in different ways. Some better than others but no one should judge our paths, not even if they are similar. I took me 15 months to get back after the loss of my twins and I can honestly say, not a day goes by without me thinking of them, they are always with me. DH has been very supportive but I can't say the same for other people around me. They think it is like time to move on, not think about it and just pretend it never happened. Well this is not a car accident where you have to overcome the fear of getting into one because obviously you need to move. This is harder and everything reminds us of what we lost, even a gorgeous rainbow in the sky can be a painful reminder. We have to be strong and keep our memories in our hearts but our fears, those are the ones we need to work on. There are many relaxation techniques and spiritual healers that can help you channel your fears in the right direction so you can overcome them. Remember, I said fears not memories, those are scars in our hearts that will never go away. But the fear, you can work with that. Remember that a child feels everything and this world is cruel enough already and they need to be strong and independent. Think of your warrior growing inside you, think of Dexter and picture what kind of human being do you want to put into this world, grow your strength from there and hopefully your fears will start to disappear. All my love and good vibes!


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