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Diana's Journal - Trying Again: Our Journals

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Old February 22nd, 2012, 09:02 PM   #1
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Diana's Journal

Trying to make sense of is all:

Yesterday we went in for a routine u/s and found out that our little Angel stopped growing at 7 weeks and had died. We are supposed to be 11 weeks. Our happy pregnant world just came to a screetching halt. Life has been a blur since. I know it has been just over 24 hours. But I don't know what to do are where to go. I am feeling so many emotions so quickly some times that my head feels like it is spinning. I am going in for a d&c on Friday and I am terrified. I am scared about it and don't know what to do. The doc told me I could wait, but for how long and well I don't know if I could handle seeing anything that may come out. I have so many emotions, fears, and thoughts running through me. I am mad that I can drink and yet I can't let myself even have a drink, because I think it is still unfair to my child even though he/she is not alive anymore. I am freaked out because my dead baby is still inside of me, but yet if they take it, it will make me not pregnant and final. I feel so lost and finding daily tasks like cooking dinner or helping my kiddos with their homework like climbing a mountain. I know that this will get better with time, but the idea of how long bothers me too!! I know it is all still fresh but I just want it to go away!!

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Old February 23rd, 2012, 03:40 PM   #2
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I am scared of this proceedure tomorrow, but todays dr appt help to settle my mind a bit. I told her that I want to be really sleepy so that I know know what is going on at all. I am struggling with the idea of letting them take my baby even know I know my Angel is gone. It freaks me out that I have this dead baby in me but it is still my baby. I am trying to find closure to allow them to do this. I know that this makes it final. I wrote a poem to try to help I know it is not a good bye yet, we are still trying to figure out how to do that but here it is:


To our Little Angel so far away
I have a few words I want to say
We never got to see you
Or hold you in our arms
We never got to know you
Or be wooed by your little charms
We never got to see your eyes
Brown like Daddy’s or blue like mine
We lost you too early and had to say goodbyes
I want to thank you our baby
For bringing so much love
We wanted to hold you close by you fly like a dove
You have taught me so much in your time
Our little Angel baby looking down from above
I will hold your brothers tighter
And remember always that your mine
I will love forever and ever
I will feel you when the sun shines bright
And when the stars twinkle at night
I will hold you in my heart now that we are apart
We love you our Angel baby


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Old February 23rd, 2012, 06:34 PM   #3
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Another entry for today. I have been wondering if we should do another u/s to make sure; however, after discussing my concerns with Tony (DP) we have decided to not go with another u/s we know what we saw and feel that it would be too much to bear to go through it again. I saw the little bean and no flicker. I just want so much for there to have been a doubt though. I am still torn with how I feel. I still want to cry my eyes out to the thought of them taking my baby from me tomorrow, but for my health I know it needs to be done. The dr told us today that we can get a chromosone test done after the d&c to see if there was an abnormality with the baby to maybe find some closure there. I am still terrified about tomorrow and don't know how to deal with it. I told my dr. today who will not be doing the proceedure that I will not be able to handle knowing what they are doing. I need to be out, she said they will give me a medication to make me sleepy and that she would inform them of my concerns and make sure that they have the doses right. I still will be telling them my requests and feelings though. I just don't want to know that they are doing what they are doing when they are doing it. It's bad enough I know what they are doing now. I feel sick just thinking about it. I am still just feeling quite lost. I am so thankful that I have all the ladies here to bounce my thoughts and feelings off of. Thanks for listening!!

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Old February 23rd, 2012, 08:32 PM   #4
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And yet another entry for today. It has been a rough day. I think I found some solace though. I love my man more and more each day. It is amazing how I fall deeper and deeper in love with him each day. He has been the biggest support for me; I don’t know how he is doing it. He’s dealing with his own grief and then dealing with me. I had a total break down about tomorrow right before dinner and he held me and just talked. It wasn’t the easiest thing to hear but I found comfort and a hair of closure in his words. I told him that I just don’t want to let go. He replied (in a very comforting voice) with “our baby is gone. They need to make a healthy warm place for another baby”. It hurts to think that we don’t get to have this baby but he is right. We are not done. This won’t stop us from being parents together. We will have another baby, it will never replace the one we lost, we will always remember our little Angel.

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Old February 24th, 2012, 09:26 PM   #5
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What a sucky day!!

I am so furious. I went in for my d&c today. I specifically told them my concerns of not being awake. I didn't want to know what was going on or to feel anything. They told me that they couldn't put me out totally but they would give me sedation medications that would allow me to be sleepy enough that I wouldn't remember anything. Well I wasn't sleepy at all I was awake through the whole procedure and well it hurt like a mother (fill in explicit here). They really were not considerate through the whole process they made it seem like it was just such a short procedure that it really didn't matter and they were talking about how they needed to squeeze me in so they could do a C-section for someone, and if I didn't get in before that I would have to wait 45 minutes to go in. They ended up switching drs on me at the last minute to squeeze me in. I brought head phone and my mp3 player to drown out any noise while "falling asleep". I kept waiting to get "sleepy" like they said I would, I even told them "I'm not sleepy yet". I was awake through the whole procedure (my biggest fear of the whole dang thing) I was crying so hard and it hurt really something terrible. It was a horrific experience!! Then, I was in recovery for only about a half hour and then release. They didn't even have me sign any discharge papers. I am so discussed and hurt by the whole thing. There's nothing they can do to rectify the situation by I will be discussing my experience with whatever administrator that I can get a hold of and I will NEVER be going to that facility again. It is supposed to be one of the "top notch" hospitals here in the cities, but forget that!!

Oh and to top off my day one of our ratties die. She was sick and we knew she was going to but really today was already not a good day!!


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Old February 26th, 2012, 11:50 PM   #6
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I have the best man ever. He is so sweet and patient!! I was having a rough morning dealing with every thing. He reminded me that I need to take whatever time it takes and that he will be here every step of the way. He was understanding and really helped talk with me and get me out of the morning slump. By no means does this mean I am over anything, but everyday seems to be slightly easier. I still have no clue when I will be ready to try again, but we definately will try again. We bought a little white stuffed bunny to keep our hope up for our baby we will bring home someday. For me this little bunny is from our little Angel to our "someday baby". It has helped a bit. I feel more hopeful.

On another note yesterday we got tattoos together. We will never be able to hold our little Angel in our arms but will always have our baby in our hearts. We will hold our baby on our arms.

Here is mine:


and here is Tony's:


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Old February 29th, 2012, 07:07 PM   #7
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Why...why does everything remind me that I am not pregnant anymore?? Why do I feel so incompetent?? Why am I so d*** angry?? Why don't I feel normal anymore?? Why can't I even look at a baby?? Why do my wic checks p*** me off?? Why do I feel so weak?? Why can't I get over what they did to me?? Why does it hurt so bad??


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Old March 1st, 2012, 05:49 PM   #8
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I went back for the first time today. It was only half a day but it was still nerve racking!! Everyone knew about the pregnancy and now everyone has to find out about our loss. I work with some really awesome understanding people though so all went well. I got a bit overwhelmed a few times but worked through it!! The kiddos I work with really make it all worth it. They make me laugh sooooooo much!!

On another note, I am really looking forward to taking to the psychologist lady at my clinic. (They offer some counseling to all the ladies who have a loss). I am really hopeful that she can help me to sort through all the feelings I am having and get me through this. I also get another beta drawn that day, so that I am closer to 0!!

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