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Pam's TTCAL Journal - Trying Again: Our Journals

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Old February 29th, 2012, 10:03 PM   #9
Jamc609
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ENOUGH ALREADY!!!

I'm ready to have some kind of happy thing to put on here. Maybe it doesn't seem like it on here because I use this to vent all the things going on in my head but are you kidding me? I have been very patient through this whole damn situation and I'm so tired of having one set back after another. This is not how getting pregnant is supposed to end. Not even a little bit. Is it too much to ask to just get back to my normal freaking life?

From the crazy high doses of antibiotics (we'll get back to those later) I have a yeast infection. To make it even better, my temp seems to be going back up. Not quite fever grade, but as an avid temper I know that it is strange for me to have a temp at 98.6. I won't worry yet, but typically my temps are never over 98 unless I'm sick, and the pains are starting to come back. I have been on antibiotics for 9 full days now. IMO I should be feeling better and going back to work not wondering why it still hurts and sitting at home.

Here is the real kicker for the day. The dr's letter to work didn't release me to half days, but said we would reevaluate after my appointment Friday. So I can't work which is ok because I'm still getting paid, but I just want normal life. Even if it were a day with some sad moments, I can deal with that. But not quite better, can't work, can't function, this stuff has to stop!

I feel like I'm overreacting here, but I have to let it out. Thankfully I have a new book from my pastor to read about dealing with grief. Hopefully it's helpful and hopefully this stage is normal.


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Old March 1st, 2012, 06:28 PM   #10
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How does my family know? They are so fantastic! My mom spent the whole day with me today, and my little sister decided to come back from college so that I'm not home alone all day tomorrow. Its funny how a little social contact and getting up and out of the house helps the mood a bit.

I started reading a book called Good Grief. It is helpful to see the stages and to define where I'm at emotionally. I even felt good enough to go on a walk with my pup today. She's been sleeping all afternoon on the couch with me

I'm still frustrated that I'm not 100% yet, but I can only hope for tomorrows appt to go well. The yeast infection is much better today THANK GOD! I think I really will be ready to be back to work next week. It will be so nice.

I was kinda overtaken last night by guilt for not being at work. The girl who has been doing my back up work isn't getting any support from around her. I'm feeling frustrated for her because both of us have positions that can be overwhelming at times, and her hubby is out of town at a conference. I took a step back and realized that this is what was going on, and I'd do the same thing for her. I gotta get healthy to be useful right?

Thanks for listening to me vent the last few days. I am trying to see the blessings that I have all around me today.


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Old March 2nd, 2012, 08:37 PM   #11
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Um yeah, I guess that just about sums it up! My doc gave me a clean bill of health! Aside from needing to (TMI AHEAD) put some cream on the cracks in my butt because of the cracks, I am OK to go. I don't even have to take the last 2.5 days of antibiotics because she wants my backside to heal and said my body can take care of itself now.

I am so relieved!! Also we can start TTC as soon as we want to. We aren't convinced that we are ready this second, but the only medically valid reason not to start trying right away is for dating the pregnancy. Otherwise she said since my sac was never past 7 wks it's still an early m/c and I'm ok to try whenever I'm ready! That is nice because for the first time in a long time, my decisions are my own and not just for medical reasons.

The only concern she had was that I lost 4 pounds in under 2 weeks. I'm not a big person to begin with so that is a little concerning for her, but she isn't really worried unless I am worried. And I don't worry unless I end up below 120. I have another 5 to go. Darn it I'll just have to eat more


I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders! Thank God, because this was just what I needed!


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Old March 4th, 2012, 08:43 PM   #12
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So I was all over the map today emotionally speaking. I actuallyhad several moments of hopeful for the next bean. It will be sticky, it has to be sticky! It will work for us and hope is the only emotion that I can have.

Then I would have moments of doubt thinking I'll for sure end up like my mom. Sure she had three beautiful babies, but she also had several, I wanna say nearly 10 M/C on her journey to have each of us. Not to mention she was on bedrest to prevent early labor for both of my sisters.

I get scared because if we wanted to space the babies out I will likely be pregnant in my late 30's. Not a bad thing, just a little riskier. But most shocking to me was I went back and forth all day if I wanted to NTNP until AF shows or if I wanted to prevent. I ordered 50 wondfo's and 3 FRER's though. I decided I am going to test 1 time a week until I get my BFN so that way if I end up pregnant before AF i won't wonder if it was just my old hormones or new ones. Dr said they don't need to check my beta's unless there is a problem later on. 'I've been poked enough' She's pretty sweet, and I'm kinda relieved to not have to go back all the time, but I'd also like the reassurance. (didn't realize I wanted it until today though...)

I go back to work tomorrow which will hopefully be a good distraction, and just the motivation that I need to start getting back to normal.

I thought I had a distraction this weekend since the Dr gave us the go ahead to BD, and we did give it a go. TMI ahead............................................I t hurt! Not during so much, a little at first, but then I was ok. After though, YIKES! I really hope we didn't hurt something. It was fine after a few minutes, but poor DH was so scared. Mom said it is because my nerves all around the uterus are just hyper sensitive right now since the pain was more pelvic pain and not really by my cervix or vagina. I'm gonna give it a few weeks and if it doesn't get better I'm calling the dr yet again. I'm not gonna let this get me down though. It was so nice to be intimate with DH again. I missed him, but I hate that it hurt.

TMI over

Thankfully/and also frighteningly DH said it is totally up to me what we do, if we prevent, NTNP, or actively TTC. There really isn't a wrong choice, and he is AOK with any of them. Why am I afraid to decide? Am I afraid of another loss? Where is my head?



Thanks again Koa for my blinkie


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Old March 6th, 2012, 08:33 PM   #13
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Minor set back...the yeast infection isn't quite gone yet. It's nothing another round of drugs can't help though.

On a more positive note, I have made it through 2, yes that's 2 days of work in a row Tomorrow will be day 3 and going strong. Course there is some drama heading down the pipes that will make the next few weeks stressful, but the time will just fly by.

Even better 13 days to Hawaii!!


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Old March 10th, 2012, 05:27 PM   #14
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CD1! Yay! I'm relieved that it is time for a fresh start. It seems like a very strange short cycle, but I'm relieved that my body is starting to do it's thing. Even better I got my new supply of 50 wondfos, 3 FRERs a nd a book called Preventing Miscarriage. Dunno if it is going to be a good book, but it was like 3 bucks and I got free shipping so what can it hurt LOL!

December is never a month I imagined myself having a baby in, but why not? Fingers crossed that I'd be lucky enough to have a baby to celebrate Christmas with this year.

I'm hesitating about my decision to NTNP and not track my cycle. It's kindof a habit for me and I feel like i have no idea whats going on. I guess I don't have to decide right away. I will track my CM though. In the past I couldn't miss it so hopefully it stays the same. I am trying not to feel anxiety about this cycle, but I do.

On a more intimate note, it doesn't hurt to BD anymore! WAHOO!!!!!!!!


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Old March 11th, 2012, 09:41 PM   #15
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OK so I kinda forgot how much CD2 sucks! That said my normal cycles get better from here.

I found myself imagining my rainbow baby today. Lately I've noticed myself thinking about how I'd be just getting to the fun part of being pregnant. Well I'm not there now, but imagining being pregnant and having a baby doesn't hurt quite so bad. That said it still hurts sometimes, but it seems like maybe, just maybe the hope is taking over. I am thankful that we got pregnant so easily last time and I pray that it happens again this time around only this time with a different ending.

According to my LMP I would be due Dec 15th. I will test on April 7th if AF hasn't arrived. I still haven't decided about temping. With the trip to Hawaii on the 18th my temps will be all messed up anyway. I think I'm ok risking waiting another month because I didn't temp and just enjoying this one. It is weird not to temp though. I spent so many years doing it and only stopped when I got pregnant. I am really trying to embrace the no stress NTNP version of TTC.

My plan this month is just to take prenatals, BD often, esp when I have EWCM, and eat healthy. By eating healthy I mean, reducing soda increasing water, and generally eating clean. Processed foods are kinda my down fall so I figure I'll just move towards the cleaner foods. Oreo's are clean right? Safe to say dieting/eating right is not my strong suit.


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Old March 13th, 2012, 08:52 PM   #16
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WTH??? OK yesterday I was super excited to start TTC. Then I had an AWFUL day at work. And today wasn't much better...It was just frustrating because my boss was sick and left me with a huge pile of crap to work on. I have a TON to do and the big program I wanted to put into place today got put back a day because I didn't have time to finish everything. I hate missing deadlines and it's frustrating because she called in because she had the sniffles. I came in the day after my M/C, and she misses for the sniffles? ARE YOU KIDDING ME????!!!

What does that have to do with TTC? Well I also came to the realization today that DH wants me to keep teaching karate after we have a baby. That wouldn't be so bad, but he also wants me to keep my full time job. I know I shouldn't complain because I make an extra $1000 bucks a month working 7 hours a week, and that's good money, but it terrifies me to think about all of the wonderful things I might miss out on. Please tell me 7 hours wont make a difference? The DH may come around I guess, but it just makes me crazy!

Am I thinking of reasons to push off TTC because I'm scared? I do that sometimes, come up with reasons that something wont work...Is it normal to feel hesitant for moments?

The next min I think of my rainbow baby and how special it will be to hold it in my arms. How can I go back and forth so fast? I'm scared that it won't happen and scared that it will. I can't even begin to think about everything going on in my mind right now, and it came out of NOWHERE!

I think the realization that the chances this month are kind slim b/c we will be sharing a hotel room with other people in Hawaii. Ugh! I am praying so hard that all these worries go away. I am scared, but I'm more scared that I'll never hold that little one in my arms. Praying I find my hope somewhere in my exhaustion.


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