We tried and tried for this pregnancy. Suffered multiple losses and now it looks like maybe there's a good chance that we'll have a baby in May.
I'm having a hard time connecting to this pregnancy. I am happy, of course. I find myself saying "if everything works out...." And "if I go off on mat leave this spring".....
It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm afraid to talk about this baby actually making it to term, actually being born alive, being here. I feel like if I get too happy or too optimistic, I will tempt fate.
Everyone is so happy for us. I hate when they tell me that they are. I feel like saying "shush, don't jinx me". Everyone says that I'll feel better once I pass the point in this pregnancy when I lost Gabriel. That's five weeks from now. Maybe I will? I feel like I won't feel safe until this baby is here.
I am somewhat resentful that I'm not enjoying this pregnancy like I should be. It's like I'm constantly wishing time away.