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What are your feelings on this? - Tweens & Teens

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Old November 7th, 2014, 12:16 PM   #1
September
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Question What are your feelings on this?

My 12 year old has a female friend that my boyfriend and I suspect may be bisexual or bi-curious and she seems to like my daughter very much. One time they were over here I noticed they had disappeared and found them in one of the bedrooms, both in the same bed. And this girl is very touchy feely and holdy with my daughter.

My daughter gets invited to this female friend's house which is right across the street almost everyday after school. I found out the other day that there is not a parent home all the times she gets invited over. I have no idea what they do over there, and truthfully am a bit scared to ask even though I know I need to. I told my daughter yesterday that she was not allowed over to this friend's house unless an adult was home. If this way a boy I would say absolutely no way on going over to his house without adult supervision and other things but since it's a female I feel weird about handling it like they could be doing inappropriate things, or even unsafe things like drugs or something.

I did have a conversation with my daughter telling her that if she was being touched in a way she didn't like she needed to tell the person, no matter who it was, or if something was happening that she didn't like she has every right to stop it.

I don't have a problem with this friend possibly being gay or bi-sexual. I do worry that maybe my daughter doesn't need to be handling that right now, but I feel the same way about a straight boy friend being interested in her. Other than trying to keep an open line of communication what else should I do? Do you all think I should be very open and have the "Your friend may be gay..." conversation and go over what that could mean for her?


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Old November 7th, 2014, 12:45 PM   #2
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Do you have a trusted friend she could confide in? (That would also tell you what's going on as well..) sometimes teens are more apt to tell a trusted friend before a parent..

My mom is going through something similar with my 13 yr old sister. This is where I stepped in for my mom and talked to her. She told me more than she told my mom. I told my mom what was going on, but my mom has said nothing to my sister. (That was she still trusts me to talk to but my mom still knows what's going on.)

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Old November 7th, 2014, 01:04 PM   #3
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I'd be uncomfortable too, Jamie. Not with the friend being bisexual, but with her possibly touching or...well you know...experimenting sexually. Young kids do that no matter what their sexual orientation.

Think of it this way: If her friend was a boy, and you knew the boy might be attracted to her, would you let the boy hold her and spend time alone? Nope. So it stands to reason that if a girl is possibly sexually attracted to your daughter, it makes total sense that that would also make you uncomfortable.

I think you've done all the right things. No visiting unless a grown up is there. Keep their bedroom door open (my parents always had an open door rule), and like you already did, reiterate that her private parts are HERS and not to be touched by anyone else.

I do wonder if it would be okay at this age to just be totally honest with her about her friend's possible interest in her. Just as a sort of heads up. "Sometimes girls like other girls. I just want you to know that even though she's a girl, there are parts of your body that are just yours." Something like that.

Definitely a touchy predicament!

I fear teen years so much. You have no idea


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Old November 7th, 2014, 09:03 PM   #4
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I had a talk with my daughter about open door policy, not being home alone over someone else's house, that it's her body and if something is happening she doesn't want to happen she has every right to stop it, her private parts are her private parts, and about how some girls like other girls like boys like girls and that's OK. I told her she needs to be aware that this friend may be interested in her in that way and that it's OK for her friend to be gay or bi-sexual. But that it's also OK for her (my daughter) not to be interested in her friend that way, and that she needs to know how to communicate that to her friend in case it every came to that while still letting her friend know that it's OK if she's bi or gay, but that she (my daughter) is not.


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Old November 8th, 2014, 06:16 AM   #5
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Honestly I would not encourage her to let her friend know it is ok to be gay or bi unless she knows for a fact that she is because they may just be girls being curious about their bodies and nothing more - she might very well upset or offend her friend if she starts talking about being gay or bi.

I think it is good to talk about the open door and no going to houses without parents etc, there really isn't much more you can do othre than to keep a close eye on the situation and hope it is just innocent and nothing to it, but let her know if she does want to talk it is perfectly fine with you - also, even if she isn't gay or bi herself, you really aught to let her know that you would be perfectly fine with it if she did like girls like girls like boys, because she may well be curious too and not want to talk about it.

Honestly, children of all ages get very curious and most of the time it doesn't boil down to being bi, gay,straight or anything else, it is just pure curiosity.

My son, who is 18, has always been told it is OK to be gay, it is OK to come and talk to me about absolutely anything, his body is his own and all the rest of it. He isn't allowed girls over with the door closed and he isn't allowed at his [now] girlfriend's house without her dad being home - he has that covered there, so I am very greatful for that.

Open dialogue, acceptance and she will be just fine. I think you are doing all the right things.


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Old November 8th, 2014, 05:17 PM   #6
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During our conversation I did tell her that's it's OK either way and that what's right for her may not be right for someone else and that's OK too.

You haven't seen what I've seen that this other girl has initiated. I don't think it's just being curious about the body.

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Originally Posted by Pumpkin Pie View Post
Honestly I would not encourage her to let her friend know it is ok to be gay or bi unless she knows for a fact that she is because they may just be girls being curious about their bodies and nothing more - she might very well upset or offend her friend if she starts talking about being gay or bi.

I think it is good to talk about the open door and no going to houses without parents etc, there really isn't much more you can do othre than to keep a close eye on the situation and hope it is just innocent and nothing to it, but let her know if she does want to talk it is perfectly fine with you - also, even if she isn't gay or bi herself, you really aught to let her know that you would be perfectly fine with it if she did like girls like girls like boys, because she may well be curious too and not want to talk about it.

Honestly, children of all ages get very curious and most of the time it doesn't boil down to being bi, gay,straight or anything else, it is just pure curiosity.

My son, who is 18, has always been told it is OK to be gay, it is OK to come and talk to me about absolutely anything, his body is his own and all the rest of it. He isn't allowed girls over with the door closed and he isn't allowed at his [now] girlfriend's house without her dad being home - he has that covered there, so I am very greatful for that.

Open dialogue, acceptance and she will be just fine. I think you are doing all the right things.


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Old November 8th, 2014, 06:34 PM   #7
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If it is that bad, I would consider not allowing her to hang out with this particular friend


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