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Emily's little rainbow mustard seed - Graduation Station

Old July 25th, 2014, 02:45 PM   #1
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Emily's little rainbow mustard seed

Okay, that was a weird title. And it really came about because people have been referring to this as our rainbow baby (myself included) and we used to take Dex to this swim school and on the way there, there was this store called the little mustard seed and for some reason DH thinks that's just hilarious so I just mashed the two up !

Anyways, let's see .. what can I say about the pregnancy thus far ? I've had awful, awful morning sickness. =/ I always sympathized with people who said they had morning sickness but never really understood it until I was rushing to the sink and dry heaving for fifteen minutes at a time, haha. You'd think that this would make me skinnier, but strangely it has not .. even though I cannot stomach foods, never feel hungry, and have become kind of fearful of eating. They say it gets better, but I'm starting to doubt it !

I was somewhat narcoleptic for a while but then developed insomnia, and now I've come back to being narcoleptic. Dexter is now at a really fun age where he's super active and inquisitive all the time, and I feel bad that I never have energy for anything (thankfully, DH does all the cooking, cleaning, feeding, bedtimes, playtimes, etc.).

I am happy about this pregnancy of course, but if I was completely honest with myself, I haven't been nearly as excited as my last one. In part, this pregnancy has brought up a lot of feelings of losing Max, and has reminded me that this is our third child and not our second, and lately I've been really struggling with that fact (especially late at night when I watch Dexter sleep like a creeper). I don't let myself usually think about or dwell on Max too much because it's just still too painful (and of course that makes me feel like an awful mom), but lately it's been harder not to think about him and all that we lost. The what ifs still haunt me.

And part of me looks back to the minutes, hours, weeks, months, years that I pined to be a mom and wanted Dexter and Max so much. In many ways, this one feels almost too easy, like it was just a strange twist of fate and that it shouldn't be this way. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I am very grateful. But there is something to be said about all those tears and months and months of trying .. week after week curling up on the bed crying just wanting something so badly. In that way, I fear that I will never love this baby the way I love Dexter, for Dexter is so, so special to me not only because he is also Max to me, but because he is something that we worked so hard towards, and was truly our miracle. I truly believe that LTTTC babies are the luckiest babies because they are born to parents who have waited and waited to love them.

I was extremely scared that I had two in there again based on high beta numbers initially, but am thankful that there is only one. I am hoping that this one will be completely uneventful.

I got into a car accident two or three days ago and I've been in pain because of that (the night before that, there was some craziness involving the neighbors behind me that I posted in the DDC regarding police with rifles in our backyard). Work has been so stressful that I've cried on a few occasions but thankfully DH helped me some a lot of it, and my contract is ending with one job soon (will miss the money, but not the stress).

Based on ultrasounds, baby has been measuring right on target. I have convinced myself that it's a girl, haha. I just had my first California state blood draw and everything came back normal; my NT scan is next week (and that's when they initially told me that Max was having issues). I am eleven weeks today. I think about you girls all the time and still stalk every day !
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Last edited by emme; July 25th, 2014 at 02:53 PM..
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Old July 26th, 2014, 01:45 AM   #2

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Oh Emme I can't believe to imagine all the different emotions you are going through with this pregnancy, but I have to say you will love this baby just as much. It may have not required quite the amount of trying and heartache as your boys but this baby is a whole different kind of miracle.

I keep you and Rachael in my prayers that you have nice healthy full term babies.


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