We can’t shield our children, or ourself, from grief and loss, but we can teach and learn valuable lessons about how to cope with feelings, how to accept a loss, and how to handle emotions. The things we teach our children no matter the cost are what make them the priceless adults of tomorrow.
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As the eminent death of my terminally ill mother in law heralds us, I find myself wondering how I am going to help my family deal with this traumatic loss.
My husband, her only son. The light of her life. The only person she has ever been able to turn to who will listen to what she REALLY has to say.
My 11 year old who loves her and has been asking to see her more often since we moved 1500 miles away.
My 3 year old who has only met her once on a weeklong vacation, but can recognize her voice and her handwriting because of the calls and cards we share.
Myself, the daughter in law who can only pray that she realizes how much she means to me, how much I miss those long talks when we lived nearer, and how much I truly meant it when I told her I would never hurt her son (her biggest fear) and that I will love him forever.
Yet I sit here and try to think clinically… how are we going to face this? How is our family going to cope? How is my husband going to survive? I’ve begun my research and I want to share it with my TMP family, in case this sort of tragedy ever knocks on your door.
Five stages of grief
Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross determined through patient study that there are five stages of grief:
Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”
If you find yourself facing ANY of this type of emotions following any emotional setback (death, break-up, miscarriage, illness, unemployment) know that it is normal, YOU are normal, and it is part of a process of healing.
Everyone grieves differently.
Don’t think because you are handling grief differently than your spouse, sibling, or co-worker that there is something wrong with your emotions. Everyone handles grief differently. It can take days, weeks, month, or years. There is no time-table for grief.
Myths and Facts About Grief
MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.
Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.
MYTH: It’s important to be “be strong” in the face of loss.
Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.
MYTH: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.
Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.
MYTH: Grief should last about a year.
Fact: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can differ from person to person.
Source: Center for Grief and Healing
The symptoms of grief
One can obviously look at this and say “Sadness.” but there are so many more symptoms and emotions that play into our grief. Shock/Disbelief. Guilt. Anger. Fear. There are even physical symptoms: crying, nausea, headaches, weight loss/gain and sleeplessness. All of this is a normal process, however if something seems to be getting out of hand and you feel like you are losing control, it is not shameful to ask for help from your spouse, a trusted friend, or a medical professional.
Get support.
Talk to your friends and family. Many of them may be having the same emotions you are. Sharing your grief is also sharing your comfort with each other.
Join a support group in your community or online, like TMP’s Grief and Loss Support Group. Many of this type of forums move slow because it is hard for others to talk about their grief. Just know that there is someone who will listen.
Take comfort in your faith, by visiting a clergy member or a valued church member.
If your grief feels like too much to bear, call a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling. An experienced therapist can help you work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving.
Take care of yourself.
Don’t let your grief cause you physical harm. In order to heal you must face your grief. Acceptance will take you in the right direction.
Take care of your physical needs. Food. Water. Get physical comfort: hugs, cuddling, crying. And above all sleep. Allowing fatigue to attack your body with drain you more emotionally.
Do not use alcohol or drugs (unless directed by a medical professional) to numb the pain or get an artificial “lift”.
Don’t force yourself to feel a certain way. And don’t allow anyone else tell you how to feel wither. If you want to feel angry, feel angry. If you want to cry and feel hurt, that is your choice. Allow your emotions and body to grieve naturally without outside influences.
Triggers.
Prepare yourself for grief triggers: Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, & other milestones pack a punch and this is completely normal. As you approach that date, if you begin to feel anxious, talk to your support people and let them know that it is going to be hard for you.
TAKE YOUR TIME TO HEAL.
Your Children
A child’s grieving process is much like our own. It varies from child to child and it takes time. They will have many of the same emotions, though they may not be able to recognize them by name. Be their support group, or if you are unable to because of your own grief, find a trusted family member or friend who can. There are also kid-safe support groups for grief online like KidSaid.com
Here are some important tips about helping your child deal with grief.
Explain death in their own terms
Explain death to your children in a way they will understand, but use the proper word, not a euphemism. Young children take things very literally and if f you say “on a journey”, “only sleeping”, or “lost”. They may believe that the loved one may be back, or even worse if they may fear sleep or travel because they do not know if they will ever return to you If the child is too young to understand the word “dead” or “death”, you may have to explain that their body stopped working, but never be afraid to use your family’s faith as an answer. Their body stopped working and they were called to Heaven to live with God.” (Forgive my ignorance of other faiths, but know that ANY faith is acceptable to help a child, or yourself, grieve.) However that as well may confuse a younger child, so play this one by ear and you will understand what is correct for your children.
Mourning
As I mentioned before some children may not understand the emotions they feel inside. Remind them that it is ok to feel however they feel, and encourage them to talk about their feelings and help them put a word to their emotions: pain, anger, fear… Some children may have to be told that it is acceptable to cry, even if they want to do so in private. Just let them know that someone is always there if they need to talk. If their support person does not live with you get a phone number and acceptable calling times.
Funerals
Is it ok to take a child to a funeral? That is a personal decision. You know your child best. Is he too young? Will she feel better if she remembers the loved one the way they were? Will they understand? Will the grief of other’s cause them more pain than necessary? It is a tough decision, so take a moment to think before making a decision. Older children can be included in the decision process.
You can’t shield your children, or yourself, from grief and loss, but you can teach and learn valuable lessons about how to cope with feelings, how to accept a loss, and how to handle emotions. The things we teach our children no matter the cost are what make them the priceless adults of tomorrow.
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So, how am I going to handle her passing?
Well today I am going to value her life, whatever time she may have left.
When the time comes I will cry, possibly scream, and most likely stomp my feet a few times. And I probably won’t be alone.
But we will find our strength as a family with the love of one another. We will remember good times and bad with a tear. We will miss her more than we ever imagined. We will survive, because it is what SHE would want us to do.
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References:
http://kidsaid.com/
KidSaid is a safe place for kids to help each other deal with grief and loss. It’s a place to deal with feelings in our e-mail support group, to share and view artwork and stories, and for parents and kids to ask questions and find answers.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm
Help Guide: Understand, Prevent, & Resolve Life’s Challenges
Coping with Grief and Loss: Support for Grieving and Bereavement
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/death.html
KidsHealth from The Nemours Foundation
Helping your child deal with death
